And with that, I became a woman. My transition from prepubescent girl to awkward young woman was pretty unique, and certainly memorable.
I’ll back up, just to set the scene.
I was at one of those awful-but-awesome middle school dances, where your parents drop you off and you find your circle of giggling girlfriends along the bleachers. When a slow song would come on, you’d snicker and snort your way over to a boy of your choice (or, hopefully, be approached by said boy) and then down the long-armed side-to-side shuffle that constituted a dance. You’d find several other “couples” doing the same thing and turn your attention to the girls, talking to them about anything other than the dance, and when the song ended, you’d walk back to your bleachers and start the whole thing over.
Back to the transition.
I don’t remember exactly what grade it was — 7th? 8th? — but I do remember the moment that two boys came up to me at that dance and uttered the phrase that would start a remarkable chain of events.
They said to me,
“Your breasts look like grapefruits”
and then started to laugh and point. They got up in my face and started pulling my hair and poking me in the sides.
Now, I had developed earlier than other girls, but I wasn’t a freak. I just had the beginning of breasts, and no clue what to do with them. So when those boys said what they said, and violated my space, I just reacted.
I pushed one of the boys so hard that he went flying through one of the wall-sized windows that made up the school foyer.
And then I froze. Glass was everywhere. People came running from all over the building. Teachers pulled us all aside and, yes, the police were called.
It was an accident. The boy was shocked, but fine. I hadn’t meant to push him into anything, just away from me.
And while I remember the incident clearly, I don’t totally remember the consequences. Was I punished at home or by the school? I’m not sure. Did the boys and I become friends after that? Don’t recall. I don’t even remember which of my classmates it was, although in hindsight, I truly believe they were just being prepubescent boys themselves — maybe even just trying to flirt.
What’s funny is that as much as this event changed my life and shaped me, I haven’t thought about it in years. But this weekend, I finished Tina Fey’s “Bossypants,” on loan from my BFF Jackie who reviewed the book on her MomJovi blog (“Tina Fey, Call Me!“). The book was amazing — her voice, both as a woman and a comedienne, spoke to me. Her memories made me laugh.
But this passage really made me THINK:
When I was writing the movie Mean Girls—which hopefully is playing on TBS right now!—I went to a workshop taught by Rosalind Wiseman as part of my research. Rosalind wrote the nonfiction book Queen Bees and Wannabes that Mean Girls was based on, and she conducted a lot of self-esteem and bullying workshops with women and girls around the country. She did this particular exercise in a hotel ballroom in Washington, D.C. with about two hundred grown women, asking them to write down the moment they first “knew they were a woman.” Meaning, “When did you first feel like a grown woman and not a girl?”
We wrote down our answers and shared them, first in pairs, then in larger groups. The group of women was racially and economically diverse, but the answers had a very similar theme. Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. “I was walking home from ballet and a guy in a car yelled, ‘Lick me!’” “I was babysitting my younger cousins when a guy drove by and yelled, ‘Nice ass.’” There were pretty much zero examples like “I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know they’ve crossed into puberty? If so, it’s working.
**Thanks to http://bibliofeminista.com/post/4643660732/excerpt-from-tina-feys-bossypants for the excerpt
My experience wasn’t nasty in the way that Tina’s describing. It was insensitive and childish, but I wasn’t assaulted or even made to feel negative about my body. For me, at a young age, it was just a sense that I was different, and it was because of my breasts.
Since then, of course, I’ve had much more disturbing things happen — men honking car horns when I cross the street; leering men staring at my chest at the mall (seriously, it’s almost a game now…how long until the guy makes eye contact?)…I know I’m not alone, and I can’t even say it bothers me. It makes me laugh, sort of wryly.
But is Tina via Rosalind right? Do we as a society teach our girls to recognize their womanhood through a series of body-conscious and “nasty” experiences? When did you first know you were a woman? (or, if you’re a man, when did you first sense a difference between you and your female friends? how did you react?)
About Katy
I started wearing a bra in 3rd grade. I got the stares and even had guys bump into me so they could “cop a feel”. 3rd grade! I feel your pain…All the men who I spend time with, at home, at work, at seminars, are all Boob-men. They stare and some even make comments about wanting to touch them…Its very strange…
My sense of womanhood definitely came from a series of traumatic stuff – stuff that ultimately led to the fat suit I used to carry around (I used to be 220lbs). It has only been in the last couple of years that I have learned to love my body and that I don’t have to hide and feel shameful about being curvy. And I think they are right, I believe that my experience is a similar experience for many woman and girls alike.
I would love to live in a society that teaches body acceptance and one that teaches young children about our bodies in a positive way instead of a shameful way so that as the inevitable changes start to happen they understand what is happening instead of feel afraid of it.
First – I think it is HILLARIOUS that you pushed a guy through a window. I probably would have just burst into tears, I was pretty self conscious in middle school.
It’s interesting that you ask when I knew I was a women, or when I knew I went from girl to women. I don’t really remember. I don’t think there was one instant for me when everything changed. I know that every time my father has pulled me aside and said “I am proud of you” has really left me a stronger person as a woman. But I am unsure when the FIRST time that happened was… I got made fun of in middle school, but none of them scarring.
On an only slight related note – I love mean girls!
My mom actually told me “now you’re a woman” when I got my first period. I was 11 years old, nauseous, crampy, and not thrilled. There have been a few moments, when men or boys were mean to me, but it didn’t ‘make me feel like a woman’. For me these two things never had a connection.
LOL. No comment
Isn’t it amazing that two people can read the same book and have different parts speaks directly to them. I love reading!
To be honest, I had never stopped to ponder this own my question in my life (when did you “know you were a woman”?) but in the same way reading Tina’s book reminded you of a long-forgotten memory, YOUR blog just reminded ME of a long-forgotten memory (that basically makes you Tina Fey, by the way).
I had the opposite problem — no breasts. And the boys loved to tell me that. I think Mosquito Bites was a popular nickname for me in 7th and 8th grade. But I can also remember one incident at a junior high dance (what it is about those things that makes boys crazy?) when one boy came up to me and just reached out and pinched my breasts and said, “Yup, we were right. Nothing there.”
I was horrified and wish I’d had the strength of character you showed to knock his lights out. I think I may have cursed at him and stormed away. I remember at least waiting until I got into the bathroom to cry.
Ahhh, memories. My fervent wish for society is that by the time my 3 year old daughter reaches junior high, the size of one’s breasts (big or small) will no longer matter. Pipe dreams, I know.
Thanks, as always, for making me think with your smart post!
Whoa. I never realize it, but that is so true. My moment: when these guys on the school bus in 8th grade told me I had “child bearing hips.” Who says that?!
go katy for pushing him through a window! I wonder if he remembers that?
I read the book too and LOVED it! That section had me stumped though….I don’t remember. I think my teen years were so traumatic I blacked them all out. One reason I am thankful that God has given me all boys….I wouldn’t be able to handle it all over again!
Gosh, just picturing that kid flying through the window… I developed a D chest right away, so the boobs often lead the way. I can remember that cross over to womanhood– it happened when I was thirteen and a friend’s father couldn’t keep his eyes off the chest. That creeped me out.
I was one of the first of my friends to develop, and I don’t remember ever really having that sense of “I’m a woman,” so much as having the sense that at the ripe young age of ten, that I stood out a bit, if only for two years, but in adolescence, two years is a long time!
I’m glad to see (read?) that I’m not the only one who never had that definitive moment of feeling that transition from girl to woman. Of course I went through an awkward phase, and there was a year in middle school when I was the tallest person in our class. I was even taller than the tallest guy (who, up to that point, had been freakishly tall compared to us), and as I had been a relatively tiny child, I felt incredibly awkward with my growing limbs. And I was bullied (for several reasons, related and unrelated to appearances.) But I don’t ever recall feeling awkward with my breasts, hips or period.
Wow what an awesome and thought-provoking post Katy. I’m thinking and I honestly can’t even think of the experience that made me realize I was a woman. I really need to get my hands on that book by Tina Fey. I love her!
Honestly, I would have shoved that kid too! I hope you didn’t get in too much trouble though. Stupid boys sometimes.
I’m having a hard time thinking of the moment when I realized I was a woman as opposed to a girl. I was picked on all the time because of my very short (at the time) curly hair and my long German last name. Maybe it’s because I’m at work (ssh!) and I can’t focus to think back that far. Like some others mentioned, I went through puberty (5th grade) before my friends and I had a chest before they did too. So of course by middle school I had all the curves of a healthy middle school aged girl. I felt as though I were fat because most girls were still like 95 lbs or something since they hadn’t gone through puberty yet.
I am surprised that those boys actually said the word “breast”. At 46, I don’t think my husband has ever uttered that word
Looking back now I can see the first instance but pushed it off when a friend’s brother made comments and touched me inappropriately. Took me a long time to get over that.
The event I always try to think of is when my mom and I watched and episode of Full House when DJ got her period and my mom talked to me about it because we were the same age. It made me feel grown up and weird because DJ felt weird in the episode.
hmm.
this post causes me to think about and wanna blog about my breasts as well.
I got em early and was BIG CHESTED (in comparison) and did NOT love that…until everyone else surpassed me and I was left wondering what the heck happened.
I LOVE Bossypants. It is laugh-out-loud funny but also has some very poignant sections like this one. Your story is hilarious. It’s also funny that you can’t remember the consequences. I assume that means you weren’t arrested at least. I’ve probably blocked out my first “woman” experience. It probably was of the buffoon-shouting-something-crude as he drove by vareity. (I LOVED Tina’s response to that!) I wonder how my daughter would answer that question . . .
I developed before all my friends.
I still remember doing cartwheels in a grassy space we had at school. I was cartwheeling away until my friend stopped me and asked me to put my sweater back on because the boys were coming and my T-shirt didn’t hide my bra … I am glad that I laughed it off and continued cartwheeling away … it probably wasn’t strength that made me handle the situation well, it was probably surprise at her comment … I made many mistakes in how to dress for my “voluptuous” upper body through high school, probably making myself look bigger at my “statuesque” 5’3″ 
… I learned later in life, and actually became smaller after I had my girls to a size I love … I still run with two bras though I like for nothing to move AT all! 
(Sorry about the long response – unrelated to the question but related to the post).