Source: weheartit.com via Megan on Pinterest
I had a conversation with a good friend a few weeks ago about the power of criticism, even when well-intentioned or trivial — and I said something sort of offhand that surprised me… even as I said it. I hadn’t realized how deeply some recent online, mostly anonymous criticism had affected me, and how much I needed to vent.
I told Jackie that I thought the hardest stuff to hear is the junk that you already secretly think about yourself. It’s a realization that the flaws that you hope and pray are only seen by you are, in fact, the same things that other people see.
The good news about analytics is that you can see what people are saying about you.
The bad news about analytics is that you can see what people are saying about you.
Last night, I wrote a 600-word treatise on the responsibility we all share when it comes to the Internet. I wrote what, in the light of day (well, as much light as there is at 5am), I now see was pretty much total bullshit.
We don’t share responsibility. It’s just not that heavy or lofty. The Internet is a free place — for better or for worse, we can all anonymously post whatever venom we want, and the truth is, I wouldn’t change that for a moment. I want the right to share my opinions, feelings and thoughts no matter how much they may offend or hurt others. And to that end, I have to acknowledge the right of others to do the same. To fight for that right and celebrate its use.
Do I wish that people took more time to reflect before hitting publish on posts or comments? Sure, especially when they seem to contain only superficial, mean ideas, without even a thread of true discussion or debate. Do I take it personally when people who remain nameless and faceless spew crap about me or my friends? Hell, yes. Does it bum me out? Make me consider getting out of the blog business altogether? Cause me to write 600-word rants?
More often that I’d like to admit.
So, the best I can offer today is a quote that helps me hold my head high, even when the right that I fight for is used to hurt people.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
And as a bonus…some other truly amazing quotes from our former first lady (courtesy of Pinterest):
About Katy
I loved this post. I feel like mean/snarky comments are becoming more and more the norm now, which while I can’t understand, know that only I have the power to make me feel bad about it. It’s easy to say that they “dont bother” you/me/etc., but I’m sure that whenever anyone reads something bad about themselves, they probably second guess what they are doing. Thanks for a real post!
Couldn’t say it better myself!
i also like this one: “the drama around you… it doesn’t involve you.”
just because people are saying hurtful things about you (hateful – not constructive), doesn’t mean you have to be involved in it. and yes, this is SO much easier said than done.
when i read awful things about me (and my loved ones
), it really affects me. i wish i didn’t, but it does. i just wish people would take a minute to add kindness and a little bit of compassion to their words because they really can cut deep. there is a big difference between honest criticism said with tact and attacking words that have no point other than to hurt.
for the longest time i sought to UNDERSTAND why people felt the need to say such hateful things on the internet (not just about bloggers – just LOOK at the comments on random youtube videos!) and eventually i realized i’m not going to understand it. it’s a hard pill to swallow because normally when there’s something negative in my life, i have the ability to TALK to the person who is affected and here that’s just not possible.
thank you for this post, katy. it’s helpful to see that this is something more and more people are trying to learn how to handle in their lives.
I think hateful comments reflect something that’s bothering the commentor about themselves–whether they realize or not and certainly whether they will admit or not. I’m haven’t seen much on-line nastiness, but I know its out there. Honestly, I don’t have time to engage with haters.
Great post girl! I just posted something pretty heavy last night and I knew I would be opening up all kinds of doors for hurtful criticism, but I prepared myself. I needed to do it more for myself. And you know what, so far, not one single comment has been nothing but supportive.
Thanks for sharing your wise words Katie.
Awesome post. Part of the joy of getting more “mature”, shall we say, is knowing very often what people say reflects their stuff, rather than ours. Still, it may sting in the moment, and yes, very often it shines a mirror on what we don’t like about ourselves too. Love the quotes. ‘Specially the last one.
I struggle with putting my random babble into the world some days. Let’s just say I start a good amount of posts that never get finished/published.
That said, if you put something out there, you should be ready to stand by it. I think a lot of bloggers get in trouble when they throw random babble out without a good second (or a third or fourth) read , then when they get criticism, don’t know how to handle it gracefully. Especially when they are proved their original point might not be as accurate or rational as they thought it was.
Alicia,
Great point — and that’s why in most cases, I think bloggers should feel free to follow-up on their posts, or in some extreme examples, edit the OP (with a note explaining that content was removed or changed and why). But I definitely think that while blogging is designed to be cathartic, the blogger him or herself has a responsibility to stand by the words. I would love to see more constructive criticism in our community, but sadly, I think a lot of really valid commentary gets lost in really mean crap.
As someone who has posted disagreeing (and I think as nicely as I could) before on blogs, a lot of time the bloggers commenters immediately assume you are being mean, when that wasn’t your intention at all. It’s hard to deal with, and discourages even constructive criticism.
It makes me want to unsubscribe from a blog when I disagree strongly with something instead of commenting.
I think this is a great post Katy. You are absolutely right.
you’re SO right, alicia. as a blogger i am constantly learning that i need to re-read my posts not just from a grammatical stand point, but also for how it could be interpreted by others. a post i might publish thinking it’s innocent and fun can be completely taken the wrong way and blown way out of proportion if others read into it more intensely than i ever meant for it to sound. unfortunately that is something many bloggers have to learn the hard way. i do think that it makes us better bloggers though – because these experiences have only encouraged me to really look deeper into the words i publish.
I love the “inferior” quote – because it’s so true (I’ve loved it since Mia said it in Princess Diaries). So many of Ms. Roosevelt’s quotes still ring true today.
Great post Katy! I also happen to feel that the comments people leave are also a reflection of their own personality – if someone wants to portray themselves negatively online, then so be it. All you can do is be sure that you’re painting a clear picture of who YOU are, which BTW I think you do a great job of. To me you’re beautiful inside & out – keep being who you are!
Nobody…and I mean nobody has the right to treat anyone like a doormat!
We were not born to be a doormat!
Nice post. I did something similar a few years back
http://lumuhuku.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/who-is-the-real-doormat-the-thing-on-the-floor-or-you/
Hi Katy,
My sister reads your blog all the time and forwarded this entry to me because I’m a big fan of Eleanor Roosevelt (I’m really Eleanor, too!).
One of the reasons I admire her is that she, like myself, was considered an ugly duckling. With all that she had done in her life , well, I guess we should all be ugly ducklings.
It took me a lot of years to understand the words of that first quote. Due to enduring a 22 year abusive marriage my self esteem was three inches below bottom. So , for many years after my divorce that quote was my mantre.
I agree that there are too many people who say things on line that they would never say face to face. When I am on a blog or on Facebook I try to find something encouraging or positive to say. The world is hard enough. We don’t need our friends bashing us. (even at times when you want to tell them to stop whining and get on with it!) I can’t save the whole world or make it perfect but I can certainly work some magic in my little corner of it.
So, Missy, keep up the good work, don’t let the buzzards get you down, say what you need to in an articulate way and know that there are those out here who think you are magnificent!
Just some thoughts from an old woman who’s mind still thinks she’s 35!
Thank you so, so much for reading and for your comment…it means the world to me that my notes resonated with you, and I think you’re so brave for sharing.
The world IS hard enough — and like you said, all I can do is be the best ME there is.
You have such a way with words, and while I do think there is some risk to putting yourself out there and using your blog in a cathartic way, some of the things that have been said lately are just downright mean and unnecessary. Especially towards you – someone who truly cares about the blogging world and making it a better place for all of us. I really do think you’re the glue that holds us together and showcasing tools that help bloggers all do better just shows what a good person you are rather than letting competition get the best of you and keeping the tricks to yourself. The haters are gonna hate and there’s not much that can be done, besides holding your head high. Amen Katy!
Are you saying that I’m sticky?
Love you…
Whoa girl! That didn’t take long for you to jump right back into things!
This is an issue I’ve been thinking about a lot lately too and I agree with the majority of what you have to say. It sucks, it hurts, I hate it, but the internet is out there to give anyone the ability to say what ever they want at any time and if we were to take that way – then what’s left? People say mean shit, but it’s our responsibility to turn our nose and not read it.
Well, it’s a result of seeing a major traffic spike upon my return — then tracing the source. Ugh.
It does suck. It does hurt. And I do hate it. For myself and for my friends.
But like you, I’m trying to just let it be and not stir the pot anymore than it already is. Love you, friend.
Really well-said. I’ve only recently started blogging, but having been a blog reader for several years, I know that criticizing and negative comments are simply part of the deal. As you said, it’s definitely the comments that touch upon our own insecurities that sting the most. Now that I’m putting myself out there, I’m sure I’ll encounter it at some point and will hopefully be able to take it in stride.
I know that you’re not talking about this, but this post made me think a lot about how I internalize criticism at work. I’m a graphic designer so almost every thing I produce is heavily criticized. It’s hard not to take it personally and a lot of the time I do and I’m hard on myself. But it’s like you are saying, it’s me being hard on myself and me feeling inferior.
I do think that when we receive criticism, we should either evaluate it and see what we could change or, if there is nothing to change, ignore it.
I was talking to someone the other day about this very subject, and she gently reminded me that even though it hurts, feedback at work is normal, and without it, none of us would grow (I tend to be a crier, which I hate!). But that feedback is constructive and professional. Talking about people’s spouses, weight, etc. is not — I guess that’s where the distinction lies for me.
I’m super hard on myself, too.
Pretty sure you nailed it on the head for me when you said the worst part is when someone says something you already think about yourself that you were hoping was hidden. It makes me want to fold up and go away too. It really is hard to keep going not only to post again but to not edit and re-edit over and over again and then have the internal struggle about who it is you’re posting for again!? I don’t want to have fear of posting because of criticism and I don’t want to change how I would normally post, content or story idea, based on who might criticize me. It’s hard to stay out of that trap. I am learning how to rise above it and POST ON! It’s not easy though.
Great post Katy! I’ve been fortunate enough to not experience the bad comments…yet. I’m not prepared for when they do come, because I’m sure they will, it’s par for the course of being a blogger (unfortunately). I’m a very emotional person, and will most likely go the same route as you (writing 600 word rants) before realizing that I cannot give the jerks the benefit of getting under my skin.
Great post and thoughts, Katy. I like the quote (don’t know who said it): “What other people think about you is none of your business.” If that person says it directly to you, then it is your business, but if they are thinking it or saying it and not directing it at you.. then that’s their business. If you make it your business and let it bother you, then that falls on you.
Every blogger is vulnerable, that comes with the territory. There is always going to be someone that picks your blog apart and has something bad to say. The downfall is that the more you share, the more vulnerable you are–but on the bright side, the more you share, the better your blog becomes and those who enjoy your blog will know you better and appreciate you more.
I am probably an over-sharer on my own blog, but I would rather be blunt and real and get criticized for it rather than dancing around issues so nobody has any ammo to talk shit. Not everyone is going to like everyone–and I agree with you about the internet.. I wouldn’t change the fact that anyone can post anything they want.
ALSO, one last thing, I loved what you said at the beginning about the hardest stuff to hear is what we are already thinking. So true. I recently saw someone knock on me for two things that are in no way factual (even though it may look that way in the handful of posts they’ve read) and those words didn’t even phase me. That’s fine if they think that.. it’s not my business to change their mind. On the other hand, if I read criticism that I actually think is true, then I dwell on it and actually appreciate it–so I can reflect on myself and change if needs be.
XO! love ya
Thanks for the comment, and the new quote — it’s a good one!
I agree that I’d rather be out there sharing things that influence and positively affect people, even when it risks attack, although as you know, it’s easier said than experienced. I honestly don’t have a problem with people disagreeing with my words, even when it hurts. It’s when that so-called debate is couched in crappy, mean-spirited comments that I just lose my shit.
Love ya back!
Since I just recently started blogging I’m waiting for my first anonymous mean comment. Having read blogs for awhile now, I have seen my fair share of horrific negative comments. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like. I would hope that I could be this strong about it.
I love you. That is about all I can mentally handle righting right now…but just know I love you. And appreciate this post more than words can even begin to say.
I love you, and I know that you’ve been on the receiving end of some personal junk, too. I hate that we all truly know how it feels, but also knowing how many supporters I have in my corner is what keeps me going.
I wanted to flip my shit when I saw mean things about you. I feel like it’s crossed the line. It’s not constructive and now friends,family, everyone you’ve ever met has become a target.
If I’m ever in a fight, I want you on the battlefield with me. You’re so fiesty. And tall — that helps.
This is a great post, Katy. It blows my mind sometimes to see some of the negative, mean-spirited things that are being said on the internet. It’s just sad.
Having said that, I want you to know that I think you and your blog are absolutely amazing and inspiring, and I look forward to what you have to say every single day.
Thank you, sweetie — and the webinar that you and the other girls took part in truly did help me find my voice in the chaos.
This is a great post! But does this mean you aren’t going to share the 600 word rant that you speak of? Just curious…
I don’t think I’m sharing it. If it were just rant-y, and the worst fear I had was that it would get some haters, I’d post it in a heartbeat. But it really was just bizarre, personal stuff that was more about how much I hate getting picked on than any real substantive stuff. It was a whine-fest and after reading, I had to laugh at how pitiful and snarky I sounded…it didn’t reflect my true feelings, so I’m gonna trash it. Felt good to get it off my chest, though!
I don’t know what happened to inspired this post, but you are definitely one of my favorite bloggers (for what it’s worth). I’m glad you are back from Europe.
I sound like a total creep. Sorry about that.
Creep on, friend
Thank you so, so much for your kind words.
Katy, you are a wonderful person. I can’t believe anybody would say mean things about you!
Not exactly related to this post other than the Eleanor Roosevelt connection, but have you read “My Year with Eleanor?” It’s a memoir by a blogger who was inspired by an Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” She spent a year doing, and documenting, her adventures. A quick read that I really enjoyed!
It included a lot of history that I otherwise didn’t know. Mrs. Roosevelt was a pretty remarkable woman! When I saw you quoting her I immediately thought of this book!
No, but it sounds amazing — I will see if my library has a copy!
Katy,
Hugs!
We are all here for you honey. This “kind” of people are everywhere and have tried their level best to beat us up in every possible way. We ain’t letting them get to us, anymore
This is tough for any profession. People can “rate” you anonymously on many websites and say things about you that may or may not be true. It is hard for me to read the criticism, but I have to remember that my self-worth is not dependent on what others say about me. I enjoy reading your blog, and I appreciate your honesty about a lot of issues.
Katy,
You are not alone in being frustrated about the hate. Even small bloggers like me – who rarely even get a comment on posts (much less a positive one) are on the receiving end of the hate as well. It’s pretty terrible, but it’s also taught me a lot since I’m still getting the hang of blogging. It’s taught me what people will say and pick at on my blog and at me. It’s taught me what things I say can be spun into something offensive, even when my underlying thoughts and motives are innocent (and in no way meant to be hurtful).
It’s really made me question whether I want to even continue blogging and put my life out there. But, I don’t blog for them. I blog for the people who enjoy reading and following my blog. And mostly, I blog for myself.
You are not alone. And more importantly, YOU are STRONGER than THIS! <– my favorite motivational mantra that I think applies here
I completely understand what you’re saying here. It’s one of the more frustrating parts of the blog world, unfortunately. I love that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, it rings so true in this case.
I love this post.
And I must say, you have impeccable timing, as I was just going through a similar thought-process myself on this matter. Negative, and sometimes downright hateful, comments hurt, and occasionally make me want to run away from the blog world! The real world seems a whole lot nicer, since most people wouldn’t say that sort of thing to a person’s face. Definitely a frustrating aspect of blogging, but I guess it comes with the territory.
Love those quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt. What a smart lady!
K, I’m in a fight with whoever is spewing that useless fluff. You and your blog are so helpful and inspiring to others- always remember that
. Plus, Perception is Projection, right? Yes!
I love that I’m mobilizing an army of blogging buddies…thank you for your kind words!