A Million Little Mistakes

<whiny post>

I never really believed that pregnancy or mommy brains were real phenomena. And when I heard people bitching about how busy their post-baby lives were, I often wondered if they were victims of the busy trap.

Mea. Freaking. Culpa.

The last 6 months for me have been a cascading experience of a million little mistakes. None so big as to threaten my job, my relationships or otherwise, but in the aggregate, these little mistakes sure add up to me feeling like a failure some days.

I’m not. I know this. I have a thriving, rosy-cheeked baby. I’m kicking butt at work and truly, my marriage is stronger than ever. At 33, I’m in my prime.

I am the one beating myself up, and it seems like everyone else thinks I walk on water.

They don’t know, though, that I forgot to eat breakfast three out of five days last week. Just forgot to do it.

They don’t know, though, that I accidentally kept an important email in my drafts overnight instead of sending it.

They don’t know, though, that I spilled an entire bottle of freshly-pumped milk all over my pants then hid it by putting a blanket on my lap.

They don’t know, though, that I tweeted the wrong link to something and really screwed over someone that trusted me.

They don’t know…that a lot of days, I’m just trying to breathe deeply and make it through without any massive, uncorrectable errors.

Little things. Nothing major. But I’m Type A enough to feel like I’m letting people down, and not living up to my own potential.

I’m in a great place, truly. I somehow escaped the baby blues that so many new moms have, and most days, I feel like I have this whole working mom thing down pretty well. I love what I do and I know that these mistakes are forgivable. I just need to forgive myself for them, and that’s hard.

</whinypost>

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Comments

  1. says

    I think that everybody, baby or not, makes a million little mistakes. It’s easy to portray yourself as having it all together (I mean you as in collectively, not you Katy), but I think that everyone does stuff like this. I know I do.

  2. says

    Hang in there girl – I wouldn’t know, but hear it gets better…in about ten years. just kidding! Remember NO ONE IS PERFECT and you’re doing a fantastic job. Loving your baby is way more important than anything else right now :)

  3. Debra says

    Very whiny. Some moms don’t have thriving babys, have financial issues and are unmarried (with no support from the father).

    I’m sure you’ll find a way to forgive yourself for not eating breakfast or forgetting to send an email…no matter how *hard* it might be.

    • says

      Fair point. If that’s your situation, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I have a million blessings along with the million mistakes and these mistakes, while they feel big to me, are nothing compared to what many parents are dealing with. Again, if you’re struggling or are close to someone that is, you have my best wishes.

    • says

      LOVE that word, and the fact that you’ve now reminded me to say it a few times today. Humility, too. I’m working on being more humble, because I know that Karma can be a bee-yatch.

  4. says

    I feel the same way sometimes. I usually find that a “mental health day” is all I need to reboot. When I keep messing up a million little things, start running late to work, forgetting things…etc. It drives me crazy because I’m Type A too. Taking a day off, if you can, will definitely clear your mind. And you are right, you are usually the one beating yourself up the most!

  5. says

    Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath and realize that there are only a few aspects of your life that are truly and critically important. When I’m feeling like this, I play the “will it matter” game. Will it matter in 5 yrs, 1 yr, etc. If no, it’s probably not critical, just let go, and have faith that it will work out!

  6. says

    Oh girl, you aren’t alone! My kiddo is 2 years 3 months. And I still have Mommybrain. Just yesterday, my husband found the scooper to the cat food hung by the front door on our cute car key wall hanging. Seriously? Mommy brain still gets me ;) For those of us that suffer from Mommybrain, its just a sweet reminder that we are momma’s! (Even if we wish we hadn’t lost so many brain cells in the process!) ;)

  7. says

    So I read this post, then I got up to do errands, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I came back. It’s funny, you called this post whiney, but it was one of my favorite posts from you. I get stuck in the same thing–beating myself up over a million tiny mistakes. I’ll go for a little while feeling like I’ve got a handle on things, and then it seems like they all add up all at once. I don’t know why I ever assumed that I was the only one so “careless” as to make so many mistakes. Thank you SO MUCH for reminding me that we are all probably worried about the same thing deep down, and that no one is perfect or immune from those mistakes.

    • says

      Well gosh…now you’ve just gone and made me a little weepy at work. Thank you SO much for this. I hesitated to post it — it was definitely one of those “wahhhhhh I’m feeling so eeeeeeeemo and whyyyyyyy do I suck at life?” moments that, once written out, made me feel like I’d gotten it off my chest. I wondered if it would (understandably) come off as: “privileged girl bitches about minor maladies.”

      But I was struck by an article that a friend posted recently, where another mom called bloggers out for only showing the sunny sides of life, and never talking about the crappy, unfulfilling, mistake-riddled days. I, like everyone, do suck at life sometimes. Then I stop sucking. But in the sucky moments, I feel sucky. :)

      Eloquent, huh? Anyway, thank you for reading and sharing and the next time you beat yourself up, come talk to me and I’ll remind you of why you’re awesome.

  8. Cailin says

    The first post I read of yours was about your post baby body pictures ( and Italy trip). I completely related with that post (I even went to Italy and had the same thoughts looking back at the pictures- rather than the awesome memories). So I got sucked in to reading your archives and baby posts one night during a long nursing session. I could especially relate as my latest cherub is about 4.5 months.
    This post really hit me because – like you – I am pretty type A and even my silly little mistakes get to me. I am working and have three girls under age 5 (!!!). Needless to say I have to start my day at 4:30 and be hyper organized. This time around I take myself a little seriously and TRY ( not always successfully) to remind myself that these days with little ones will fly by and should embrace the funny side (ie. dropping my breastmilk all over the floor of my classroom go 11 year olds). I have decided to take some time off after this school and I will be curious to see if any of the “fog” lifts from taking one big thing off of my plate.
    Even with the big problems in the world, we all have days where we feel helpless or need to vent.
    Anyway, love your blog!

    • says

      We’re twinsies! :) Except for the three under 5. Holy cow, mama. [[[bowing down]]]

      Let me know if the fog lifts, and thanks for the reminder that venting is OK. Now back to being positive!

  9. says

    Thank you for your honesty and just letting it all out! It’s important to have “vomit of the mouth” moments. Put it out there, recognize your mistakes, breathe, move on, and be grateful for all that you have. Have a great night!

  10. says

    Everyone should indulge in whiney post occasionally…it lets the world know (lets YOU know, more importantly) that you are human…I also think hashtags are a wonderful invention, allowing us to indulge ourselves and then just call it what it is…you go, girl!

  11. Kim says

    The bottle spill is classic – good for you for thinking on your feet :-) Someone once told me that nothing will go as planned, and if something messes up, nobody will notice it anyway b/c they don’t know it wasn’t part of your plan in the first place! Example: our preacher forgot we were doing our own vows and used a different script for the wedding – nobody in the audience noticed and we just exchanged them to each other in private later that evening.

  12. says

    Pregnancy brain and mommy brain are absolutely real. When I was pregnant, I came home from the grocery store with cat food- and I don’t own a cat. Just two days ago, I went to the post office to mail some letters, and they sent me away because I put the address labels where the stamps go. I think we all feel like scatterbrains every now and then, but it is a small price to pay for our little bundles of joy. :)

  13. Emily says

    Thank you for this. I feel like you were writing about me. I have six month old twins and have been back at work since January. I’m glad people think I have it “so together” but the truth is, sometimes I feel like I’m barely skating by. I appreciate your honesty.

    • says

      Twins….double the trouble, double the pleasure? I am so glad you came by and the post touched you. But dang, girl, you have my absolute awe. Hang in there…

  14. says

    I swear I post a version of this each and every week. I know how you feel! Everyone continues to assure you that you’re doing great, but you just don’t see it.

    I’ve definitely hit a wall and something has to give, though. I’ve got so many eggs in so many different baskets, that I’m pretty damn sure I’ve lost a few of them. Whoops.

    You think will ever get the hang of this? ;) I know you’ve heard this a million times – and I know it’s annoying – but you’re doing great. I can honestly tell when you post things about your baby girl that your heart is in the right place. The other stuff isn’t as important, ya know?

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