The times when I hold my breath and think twice about posting usually result in the posts that resonate the most deeply with my readers. That’s something I’ve learned in more than five years of blogging.
In the case of “What a Difference a Year Makes,” I came THISCLOSE to not hitting publish. I was ashamed to admit that as recently as last year, when I was talking big talk about positive self-image and inner confidence, I wasn’t always walking the walk.
That I had taken a picture like this — shot on one of the most exhilirating days of my life…
and chopped it down to this, all to hide myself.
I remember thinking at the time how silly and backwards it was to make the edit, but couldn’t stop myself. I even saved it this way in all of my photo folders (I had to go back to the memory card to find any evidence of the original photo). Talk about lying to yourself, let alone everyone else, huh?
I wrote this week’s post in a stream of consciousness, sometimes taking a break to wipe away tears. It was really, really hard to think about sharing it, because I didn’t want to admit that I still struggle with how I look. I didn’t want to make those who love me just the way I am feel sad.
I saved the post as a draft because I couldn’t bring myself to hit publish. I went to bed that night and figured it would just be one of those private journal entries that stays in drafts forever.
But when I woke up, I knew that the reason I was afraid was that it was an honest and powerful story. I knew that if I was feeling that way, others were, too. And I knew that if I didn’t put the post into the great big Internet world, it would be easy to go back on my world and keep on editing my photos to cut out the awkward, ugly parts. And it would be too easy to drag my daughter into the cycle of negative self-talk.
In the morning, I took a deep breath and hit publish. And then I shut off the computer and walked away. I sang songs with my girl, took a long walk with her and tried to remember that the most powerful posts are often the most terrifying to publish.
I’m so glad I did. Thank you all for reading and thanks for the love!